Lindsey.

 For Lindsey

I'm reviving this blog because I have a lot of feelings. Hopefully I'll stick with it longer this time. For my first foray back into the world of telling my friends how much I lurve them (if I saw lurve instead of love it makes it seem less scary, or so my grade 6 girlfriend told me), I knew I had to talk about one of my oldest and most dearest friends. It's gonna get mushy.

I was not the most confident teenager. That may seem a little redundant, as few teenagers are. But bear with me here. I spent an enormous part of my youth feeling down on myself, being shy and awkward, and not knowing how to express my feelings for others without the fear of them teasing me or rejection or what have you. It's been a long and difficult road to get to the point I'm at now where I can confidently say 'I'm a delight' or 'I'm fucking awesome' or 'Shut up baby I know it!' (the last one is when being complimented, and it's a lot more charming in person than it seems written down). There have been a large amount of amazing friends and kind words and acts of love that have gotten me here. But no one has influenced and shaped my love for myself as heavily as my dear friend Lindsey Zess-Funk.

I technically met Lindsey in my first year of University. We took Drama 1000 together, and keep in mind I was still super awkward, didn't know how to talk to people, and basically used drama and the stage to express myself where I couldn't when just being myself. That's a whole other story about how theatre made me a much more happy individual. But at this time, I was still feeling pretty down on myself. Heck, there was a girl in that class that I asked out on a date, but didn't really call it a date because people actually do that? And then she forgot about it and I thought it was the worst thing that could happen to me.

I DIGRESS. I met Lindsey in Drama 1000 and I still remember one of the first times I took notice of her, and while I don't remember too many specifics, I do remember we were all sitting in a circle and talking about...drama things, probably. She was saying something interesting and eloquent as, if you don't know her, Lindsey is an incredibly intelligent woman. I remember thinking to myself, 'huh. Cool girl with smarts AND looks. Outta my league.' (Remember, I didn't like myself at this time).

We never really hit it off then, partly due to my inability to talk to people I thought were cool and partly because I was still rethinking this whole 'getting a degree in Drama' thing. I left the University for a while, and when I came back I got to be in a few more classes with Lindsey, notably a playwriting class where we became a bit closer friends.

BUT EVERYTHING CHANGED IN THE SUMMER OF 2008. (Woah, exciting twist coming!) I had heard some things about the Empress Theatre Summer Program from others, a theatre in Fort Macleod that does plays, tours, and children's summer camps. But never really thought it was something I'd be any good at. Lindsey happened to message me that summer, as she was going to be directing one of the shows and was looking for some people to hire. She thought of me, and it's one of the first times I remember someone seeking me out unsolicited. I applied on her recommendation, primarily because I felt super special. Boy, was that a great decision!

My summer at the Empress Theatre changed my life drastically. Not only did I rediscover a love of theatre, but I developed some skills I never thought I'd have (being a tour guide, teaching drama camps) AND gave me some pretty solid friendships. That summer is still one of my most favorite memories and I loved it so much, I went back the next two years in different roles. I did work a lot to get that job, but I can't help but thank Lindsey for giving me a bit of a jumpstart into that world, and for thinking of little ol' me too.

We got to know each other very well during the course of the Empress program, and the next year as well. We bonded over love of music and art, and she quickly became a person I looked up to in many, many ways. The work she has done on stage has always been some of my favorite theatre I've seen. I've regretted each time I had to miss one of the show's she's had a hand in, since I know it would have inspired and invigorated me once again. She is quite possibly one of the most intelligent and talented people I know.

But alas, she left Lethbridge to get her Masters in Directing at U of C, and a piece of me went with her. I was very happy for her but selfishly sad for me. I admired and cared for her from afar while I toiled away in Lethbridge getting my degree. An opportunity arose after I graduated to move to Calgary, and everything at the time pointed toward it being the best idea, so I made the move, and started toiling away in a new, much larger city.

It was when I had to cast a role in a play that fell into my lap that I reunited with Lindsey at last. Now, Lindsey will tell you she is not an actor, but I know that not to be true, and as hard on herself as she is about her acting abilities, I think she is absolutely wonderful. Whether she is playing a whooping crane, or a woman coping with her fading memories, I've always been amazed at how truthful she can be. I put her in this play because I knew she could do it but also because I knew she would give it her all. The play went up at the Calgary One Act Festival and we received an award for our work, and it was the first directing work I did since leaving the University - it was an incredibly important moment for me and I was glad to share it with Lindsey.

But more importantly, it's the event that re-ignited our friendship and pushed it even further. We were both living in the same city, and working in the theatre world, so it made sense we'd keep running into each other and continue to work together in various aspects, and I couldn't be more thankful. Lindsey is the kind of person I've always felt comfortable around, I've always just enjoyed being in her presence. It's actually really hard to think of a time when we weren't close friends because it just feels so natural and normal that we're BFF. I can't tell you how many times I've needed an ear to talk at and Lindsey has been there. You'd think if you text your friend at 5am about how down you are you won't hear from them until the morning. Not Lindsey. Lindsey will call you about 10 seconds later, so you can talk about it and hear her beautiful voice on the other end. Somehow just 10 minutes of chat with Lindsey can make you feel like things are not as bad as they seem, and she can always make me laugh despite myself.

Lindsey is truly a friend that I can not imagine my life without. She makes things brighter and more beautiful just by being in the room. She makes me smile and love my life when I'm feeling down. She has been a constant pillar of support, love, friendship, and inspiration. She means the absolute world to me, and the great part about it is, I know I mean the world to her too. When she tells me she loves me, and that she appreciates me, there's not even a seedling of doubt in my mind whether or not she is sincere. For a guy like me, that means a whole hell of a lot. I want the whole world to know the beautiful person I know and am lucky to call a friend. And Lindsey, your response to all this should be clear. 'Shut up baby I know it.'

I love you for forever.

Emma.

For Emma

When I returned to the University after my brief absence, I began to develop some friendships and get more involved in the drama department. I was still fairly new to everything however, and often felt like a black sheep. It wasn't until I got cast as Leonato in Much Ado About Nothing (move over, Clark Gregg) that things started to shift and I started to feel more like a part of the department rather than an outsider. That play will always hold a special place in my heart because of that, but more importantly because it's where I met Emma.

Now, for the first few rehearsals I was still feeling like the outsider, so I didn't really acknowledge anyone else in the cast that I didn't already know (which was maybe 4 or 5 people). But once I started to become more comfortable with everyone, and once I felt like I was a part of the cast, I started to chat with the people I didn't know that well. I remember very clearly seeing Emma, this brand new, fresh faced, 1st year drama student, standing near a couple of us sitting on the couches, looking slightly shy and nervous. I thought of my first year, when I got cast as a very small role in a play and felt the same way. I also remember all the other cast members in that show seeming to ignore me, or unintentionally make me feel like less a part of the show because I was new. I remembered all this and immediately decided I wouldn't be that person. I would try and make any first year feel welcome. So I struck up a conversation with her, and while I don't recall the specifics I remember thinking 'Hey, this girl is really cool.'

But it wasn't until the cast all got together for an 'ice cream party' that I realized how cool she was. During said party I recall overhearing some talks about Lord of the Rings or Wes Anderson or something along those lines, and being who I am I of course perked up. This led to a night of film talk which anyone who knows me knows that it's one of my favorite things. It was then that I decided that Emma and I needed to become best friends. 

We started chatting and realized we had a lot of similar tastes when it came to movies, but it was also just a delight to chat with her, her passion and sense of humor made sure that the conversations were never boring. At one point the topic of Freaks and Geeks came up, and I asked her if she had seen Undeclared as well, the spiritual sequel to that series. She hadn't, so I immediately requested, no, demanded that she watch it with me. One of my favorite memories of our friendship was the day we watched almost the entire series in one sitting, pausing at one point for a McDonald's break of course. 

From that point on we've been very close. Our friendship continued to strengthen and grow as we went through University shows together. I directed her in my upper level directing project, as well as the first full length I directed for the TheatreXtra season (Patience). But for me, the best experience I had was when I got the opportunity to perform alongside her in Hay Fever, where we played brother and sister. I've done a fair share of acting on the stage but I've never had more fun than I did getting to play off Emma's energy and enthusiasm. I loved my character in that show but the relationship our characters had together was my favorite aspect of it and I don't doubt a lot of that had to do with Emma. 

Through the course of our friendship I've also gotten the pleasure of meeting Emma's family, and having met them I can see why she's such a strong and beautiful woman - her family is amazing. They are such lovely and inviting people that when I accidentally show up at her house with a pizza on the wrong day (we had agreed to hang out but I had my days mixed up) and Emma isn't home, they invite me in and give me booze. I have very few friends whose families I've met, and I don't think it's a coincidence that Emma's is one of the few. They are all very close and very loving and I'm constantly amazed at their kindness and positive nature. 

So five years later and we're still as close as ever. I've continued to work with Emma in various aspects, and there's rarely a time she couldn't call me and ask me for pretty much anything and I'd do it no question. She's been a consistently positive part of my life and I will always be grateful for her friendship. I love you Emmster, and don't you ever forget it. 

Adam.

For Adam

When I first went to the University, I was in a strange, transitional place in my life where I was still struggling with a lot of self-doubt and image problems I faced in High School but also ultimately pretty happy with where my life was going. This dichotomy was what made my second year at University pretty much a write-off - I failed some classes, avoided making friends, and pretty much fucked myself over GPA wise. I was kicked out of the department and had to get my GPA back up before I'd be readmitted. I decided instead to take a year off from University and figure my shit out. I went back to school a year later, pushed hard to get my GPA back up, was readmitted, spent 4 years doing plays and completing classes and graduated with a BFA in 2010. Those 4 years were some of my favorite years of my life. 

But because of that whole situation, I was older than most of the people in the department at the time. It's the reason most of my close friends are people I didn't really know in High School. The people my age had graduated by the time I started to be recognized by the other students. 

This is a very long winded way of saying that Adam was one of the first friends I made once I returned to the program, even though we did technically go to high school together. In fact we had met once before, briefly, when a mutual friend of ours brought him to my house to watch Buffy (Buffy may be a recurring theme with my friendships and therefore this blog). I was a nervous dude back then, so we didn't hit it off as I know we would have in retrospect if I had been more outgoing like I am today. 

Anyway, due to the high school connection, Adam knew a lot of people I either already knew or sort-of knew. We shared a class together around the time he was auditioning for a play (Moliere for those keeping score at home), and I remember hearing how badly he wanted this role. One of the first things I remember saying to Adam was a very meek 'congratulations' when I heard that he nailed it and was cast. I think I may have mumbled my way through an explanation too - ie. 'I remember hearing how much you wanted that role, so I wanted to say congrats!' The fact that he wanted something and made it happen through his own hard work was incredibly inspiring to me, as up to that point I had been a bit of a lazy actor, and realized that's not the way to get roles.

After that I more or less watched Adam from afar - which sounds infinitely creepier than it was. I watched him perform in shows, and saw some of his Malaysia video blogs because my friends would watch them. I remember hearing other people talk about Adam often, always positively, and I remember silently cursing myself for never having gotten the chance to be his friend. I was content with just admiring Adam and congratulating him on his continued success.

But then our paths began to cross more and more, and our friendship began to grow. I can't pinpoint a moment but eventually it got to the point where Adam was one of my go-to contacts to hang out with. Sometimes all it would take would be a simple text message saying 'hangzies?' and we'd be playing trivial pursuit, jeopardy, skip bo, poker, or some other card game or what-have-you. We bonded quickly over our unwavering skepticism, and a love for cheesy horror films. I don't think I would have seen half the horror movies I've seen if I hadn't had Adam to watch them with. 

But Adam has done something for me that very few people could have had the compassion and understanding to do. Adam woke me up. I've mentioned before that my self-esteem issues, prevalent more so in high school than after, has continued to plague me into my adult years. I have very few people I can approach with these feelings, and often times I don't know how to deal with them. I grew up with the internet, and in school 'blogging' was, to me, 'livejournaling.' I had a livejournal that I posted to often when I was feeling down. I kept it private to friends, but it was still a semi-public way of expressing my depression. Facebook changed that and I would, sometimes, write notes about my current state of being. All that's important to this story is that I made a particularly negative note one day that prompted Adam to send me a message. The message was exactly, and I mean exactly what I needed at that time. It was firm, but caring. It was honest, but understanding. It was something only a true friend would have been able to express to me and not make me feel worse. In fact it made me feel better. It made me realize some things about myself that since then, has turned things around for me for the better. 

It was so refreshing hearing not only kind words, but words of wisdom and understanding from someone I love and respect. So thank you Adam, for being there for me.

Adam's departure from the University was a pretty big blow for me. He moved out to the coast to pursue film work, and while he does get the occasional acting gig back in Alberta and I get to see him then - it's rough not having him around to play games with, or laugh at psychics and ghosthunters with, or watch horror films with. But I know that he's happy out west, and his talent and work ethic is going to bring him to amazing places. And I'll always be cheering him on.

Copyright Alan Johnson and Blingee

Jackie.

For Jackie

Jackie is one of my oldest and most dear friends. I met her for the first time in Junior High School, when I was still one of the most nervous and shy kids you'll ever meet. My first memory of her was acting in a small scene together during our Drama class, in which I was tasked with playing Richard Simmons, and pretty much was not happy with this 'casting' choice. I remember her being very supportive and positive - without her encouragement I highly doubt I would have been able to run into the classroom acting ridiculous if not for her kindness to a (at that time) stranger. I immediately knew this girl was special, but it wouldn't be for a few years before we actually became good friends.

Once we started High School, our burgeoning friendship began to grow, as we continued to bond in drama classes and productions, but our friendship came to a head when we went to see Zoolander together, and busted a gut throughout the film then stood on the corner of the paramount theatre reminiscing about the film we just saw. After that we became pretty inseparable. We would hang out and watch films, tv shows, go on adventures, and the whole time my respect and love for her grew. Our friendship was cinched the day we realized we both had a love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and from then on, we had weekly Buffy nights where we would watch the new episode together.

I remember taking road trips with Jackie and always feeling comfortable around her. I never felt out of place, or felt like she was judging me or thinking less of me. As someone who has struggled with low self esteem throughout my life, this was a huge deal for me. I just felt this instant connection with her and remembered always feeling welcome around her. We traveled to Portland together and it remains one of the best memories of my life. A beautiful city with a beautiful friend.

Our lives have since been a little out of synchronicity. We've both moved and had to say goodbye to each other multiple times, but it's never hurt our friendship. Anytime I see her it never feels strange, or that we've been apart for a long time. It instantly feels like I'm that scared little kid in Junior High school, with Jackie cheering me on to act ridiculous and dance around like Richard Simmons (although my dance moves have since improved).

Here's the thing about Jackie. She is honestly one of the most caring and kindhearted people I have ever met. She's so kind to everyone she meets and it's no surprise anyone who knows her absolutely adores her. She is always thinking of ways to help others - those she's close to and strangers alike. Her smile is one of the most beautiful things you'll ever see, and one of my favorite things in the world is getting the opportunity to laugh with her. There are times when I feel like I can't keep up with her in terms of being such a good friend - because she's just so damn good at it. It's like trying to jam with Jimi Hendrix - no matter how good you might be, she's just that much better.

Something that people probably know about me is I certainly enjoy films a lot. I go to the theatre often. So often that sometimes I'll forget whose company I was in when I saw it. Jackie is one of the few people I remember just about every film we went together to see. The aforementioned Zoolander, The Hours, Anchorman, Chicago, John Q, and that's just off the top of my head. I think these stick out in my mind so much because I cherish every second I get to spend with my dear friend. 

We have both since moved to different cities, with myself in Calgary and her in Toronto. But we never lose touch. Even if it's a simple hello, or a card in the mail, or a phone call when I'm feeling really down, Jackie has always been there for me. I will get abnormally excited when she comes to visit, and darnit I really hope to get a better flow of income so I can start visiting her more often out east as well. I know we will remain friends forever, and I know that I can always count on her to be there for me. 

I love you Jackie. Thank you for getting me through Jr. High and High School. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for your amazing friendship. Thank you for your endless optimism and enthusiasm. Thank you for dance parties. Thank you for Buffy marathons. Thank you for road trips. Thank you for never judging me. Thank you for being such an amazing, strong and beautiful person. 

Introduction

Last night, I had to say goodbye to a friend.

This was not the first time I've had to do this. I have had friends pass away for various reasons. Family members as well. As far as I'm concerned there is only one constant in life, and that's death (sorry, Benjamin Franklin, but kids don't pay taxes). Having to say goodbye to anybody in your life, no matter how close you were, will never be easy. For me, this was the second time a friend of mine had taken their own life, and both times it hit me as a huge shock followed by some of the most profound sadness I've ever felt.

I blogged about my friend Sarah here, over a year ago, and I recall one of the biggest emotions I felt while writing that piece was regret. Regret that I never got to tell Sarah about many of the feelings of love and respect I had for her. So when I heard about my friend Adam taking his life last week, I had similar feelings. I couldn't help being upset at myself for not telling him how much I love him, and how I look up to him, and respect him, and strive to be half the man he is, before it was too late. The memorial service for Adam was filled with so many conflicting feelings but the one constant throughout was that of love. Love for Adam and all the missed opportunities I had to get to know him better, to hang out with him and watch Home Movies (not actual home movies, I mean the TV show), to jam with him, to laugh with him. Love for his family and close friends who were grieving and celebrating his life. Love for myself, something I've struggled with for most of my life. Love for my own family and friends that hugged me or gave me words of kindness during this difficult time.

This week was hard for me, and I know it was equally or more hard for many of my close friends. I began to think about this regret I felt, and made a decision to never feel that regret again. I am not going to shy away from my love for my friends and family. I'm not going to hold back when it comes to expressing how I feel. And I don't want to wait for another friend to leave me before I am sure to tell them exactly how much I care for them.

So I decided to start this blog. Blogs are generally made to reach a wide audience, but this will be different. It will remain public, to encourage others to join in on sharing love for others. But each post will be aimed at one person. One individual that I feel I need to express my love for. One friend.

Everybody deserves to be happy, and know that they are loved. No matter what, you are NEVER alone. And I want everyone I love to know that no matter what, I'm always here for you. I love you.