Emma.

For Emma

When I returned to the University after my brief absence, I began to develop some friendships and get more involved in the drama department. I was still fairly new to everything however, and often felt like a black sheep. It wasn't until I got cast as Leonato in Much Ado About Nothing (move over, Clark Gregg) that things started to shift and I started to feel more like a part of the department rather than an outsider. That play will always hold a special place in my heart because of that, but more importantly because it's where I met Emma.

Now, for the first few rehearsals I was still feeling like the outsider, so I didn't really acknowledge anyone else in the cast that I didn't already know (which was maybe 4 or 5 people). But once I started to become more comfortable with everyone, and once I felt like I was a part of the cast, I started to chat with the people I didn't know that well. I remember very clearly seeing Emma, this brand new, fresh faced, 1st year drama student, standing near a couple of us sitting on the couches, looking slightly shy and nervous. I thought of my first year, when I got cast as a very small role in a play and felt the same way. I also remember all the other cast members in that show seeming to ignore me, or unintentionally make me feel like less a part of the show because I was new. I remembered all this and immediately decided I wouldn't be that person. I would try and make any first year feel welcome. So I struck up a conversation with her, and while I don't recall the specifics I remember thinking 'Hey, this girl is really cool.'

But it wasn't until the cast all got together for an 'ice cream party' that I realized how cool she was. During said party I recall overhearing some talks about Lord of the Rings or Wes Anderson or something along those lines, and being who I am I of course perked up. This led to a night of film talk which anyone who knows me knows that it's one of my favorite things. It was then that I decided that Emma and I needed to become best friends. 

We started chatting and realized we had a lot of similar tastes when it came to movies, but it was also just a delight to chat with her, her passion and sense of humor made sure that the conversations were never boring. At one point the topic of Freaks and Geeks came up, and I asked her if she had seen Undeclared as well, the spiritual sequel to that series. She hadn't, so I immediately requested, no, demanded that she watch it with me. One of my favorite memories of our friendship was the day we watched almost the entire series in one sitting, pausing at one point for a McDonald's break of course. 

From that point on we've been very close. Our friendship continued to strengthen and grow as we went through University shows together. I directed her in my upper level directing project, as well as the first full length I directed for the TheatreXtra season (Patience). But for me, the best experience I had was when I got the opportunity to perform alongside her in Hay Fever, where we played brother and sister. I've done a fair share of acting on the stage but I've never had more fun than I did getting to play off Emma's energy and enthusiasm. I loved my character in that show but the relationship our characters had together was my favorite aspect of it and I don't doubt a lot of that had to do with Emma. 

Through the course of our friendship I've also gotten the pleasure of meeting Emma's family, and having met them I can see why she's such a strong and beautiful woman - her family is amazing. They are such lovely and inviting people that when I accidentally show up at her house with a pizza on the wrong day (we had agreed to hang out but I had my days mixed up) and Emma isn't home, they invite me in and give me booze. I have very few friends whose families I've met, and I don't think it's a coincidence that Emma's is one of the few. They are all very close and very loving and I'm constantly amazed at their kindness and positive nature. 

So five years later and we're still as close as ever. I've continued to work with Emma in various aspects, and there's rarely a time she couldn't call me and ask me for pretty much anything and I'd do it no question. She's been a consistently positive part of my life and I will always be grateful for her friendship. I love you Emmster, and don't you ever forget it. 

Adam.

For Adam

When I first went to the University, I was in a strange, transitional place in my life where I was still struggling with a lot of self-doubt and image problems I faced in High School but also ultimately pretty happy with where my life was going. This dichotomy was what made my second year at University pretty much a write-off - I failed some classes, avoided making friends, and pretty much fucked myself over GPA wise. I was kicked out of the department and had to get my GPA back up before I'd be readmitted. I decided instead to take a year off from University and figure my shit out. I went back to school a year later, pushed hard to get my GPA back up, was readmitted, spent 4 years doing plays and completing classes and graduated with a BFA in 2010. Those 4 years were some of my favorite years of my life. 

But because of that whole situation, I was older than most of the people in the department at the time. It's the reason most of my close friends are people I didn't really know in High School. The people my age had graduated by the time I started to be recognized by the other students. 

This is a very long winded way of saying that Adam was one of the first friends I made once I returned to the program, even though we did technically go to high school together. In fact we had met once before, briefly, when a mutual friend of ours brought him to my house to watch Buffy (Buffy may be a recurring theme with my friendships and therefore this blog). I was a nervous dude back then, so we didn't hit it off as I know we would have in retrospect if I had been more outgoing like I am today. 

Anyway, due to the high school connection, Adam knew a lot of people I either already knew or sort-of knew. We shared a class together around the time he was auditioning for a play (Moliere for those keeping score at home), and I remember hearing how badly he wanted this role. One of the first things I remember saying to Adam was a very meek 'congratulations' when I heard that he nailed it and was cast. I think I may have mumbled my way through an explanation too - ie. 'I remember hearing how much you wanted that role, so I wanted to say congrats!' The fact that he wanted something and made it happen through his own hard work was incredibly inspiring to me, as up to that point I had been a bit of a lazy actor, and realized that's not the way to get roles.

After that I more or less watched Adam from afar - which sounds infinitely creepier than it was. I watched him perform in shows, and saw some of his Malaysia video blogs because my friends would watch them. I remember hearing other people talk about Adam often, always positively, and I remember silently cursing myself for never having gotten the chance to be his friend. I was content with just admiring Adam and congratulating him on his continued success.

But then our paths began to cross more and more, and our friendship began to grow. I can't pinpoint a moment but eventually it got to the point where Adam was one of my go-to contacts to hang out with. Sometimes all it would take would be a simple text message saying 'hangzies?' and we'd be playing trivial pursuit, jeopardy, skip bo, poker, or some other card game or what-have-you. We bonded quickly over our unwavering skepticism, and a love for cheesy horror films. I don't think I would have seen half the horror movies I've seen if I hadn't had Adam to watch them with. 

But Adam has done something for me that very few people could have had the compassion and understanding to do. Adam woke me up. I've mentioned before that my self-esteem issues, prevalent more so in high school than after, has continued to plague me into my adult years. I have very few people I can approach with these feelings, and often times I don't know how to deal with them. I grew up with the internet, and in school 'blogging' was, to me, 'livejournaling.' I had a livejournal that I posted to often when I was feeling down. I kept it private to friends, but it was still a semi-public way of expressing my depression. Facebook changed that and I would, sometimes, write notes about my current state of being. All that's important to this story is that I made a particularly negative note one day that prompted Adam to send me a message. The message was exactly, and I mean exactly what I needed at that time. It was firm, but caring. It was honest, but understanding. It was something only a true friend would have been able to express to me and not make me feel worse. In fact it made me feel better. It made me realize some things about myself that since then, has turned things around for me for the better. 

It was so refreshing hearing not only kind words, but words of wisdom and understanding from someone I love and respect. So thank you Adam, for being there for me.

Adam's departure from the University was a pretty big blow for me. He moved out to the coast to pursue film work, and while he does get the occasional acting gig back in Alberta and I get to see him then - it's rough not having him around to play games with, or laugh at psychics and ghosthunters with, or watch horror films with. But I know that he's happy out west, and his talent and work ethic is going to bring him to amazing places. And I'll always be cheering him on.

Copyright Alan Johnson and Blingee

Jackie.

For Jackie

Jackie is one of my oldest and most dear friends. I met her for the first time in Junior High School, when I was still one of the most nervous and shy kids you'll ever meet. My first memory of her was acting in a small scene together during our Drama class, in which I was tasked with playing Richard Simmons, and pretty much was not happy with this 'casting' choice. I remember her being very supportive and positive - without her encouragement I highly doubt I would have been able to run into the classroom acting ridiculous if not for her kindness to a (at that time) stranger. I immediately knew this girl was special, but it wouldn't be for a few years before we actually became good friends.

Once we started High School, our burgeoning friendship began to grow, as we continued to bond in drama classes and productions, but our friendship came to a head when we went to see Zoolander together, and busted a gut throughout the film then stood on the corner of the paramount theatre reminiscing about the film we just saw. After that we became pretty inseparable. We would hang out and watch films, tv shows, go on adventures, and the whole time my respect and love for her grew. Our friendship was cinched the day we realized we both had a love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and from then on, we had weekly Buffy nights where we would watch the new episode together.

I remember taking road trips with Jackie and always feeling comfortable around her. I never felt out of place, or felt like she was judging me or thinking less of me. As someone who has struggled with low self esteem throughout my life, this was a huge deal for me. I just felt this instant connection with her and remembered always feeling welcome around her. We traveled to Portland together and it remains one of the best memories of my life. A beautiful city with a beautiful friend.

Our lives have since been a little out of synchronicity. We've both moved and had to say goodbye to each other multiple times, but it's never hurt our friendship. Anytime I see her it never feels strange, or that we've been apart for a long time. It instantly feels like I'm that scared little kid in Junior High school, with Jackie cheering me on to act ridiculous and dance around like Richard Simmons (although my dance moves have since improved).

Here's the thing about Jackie. She is honestly one of the most caring and kindhearted people I have ever met. She's so kind to everyone she meets and it's no surprise anyone who knows her absolutely adores her. She is always thinking of ways to help others - those she's close to and strangers alike. Her smile is one of the most beautiful things you'll ever see, and one of my favorite things in the world is getting the opportunity to laugh with her. There are times when I feel like I can't keep up with her in terms of being such a good friend - because she's just so damn good at it. It's like trying to jam with Jimi Hendrix - no matter how good you might be, she's just that much better.

Something that people probably know about me is I certainly enjoy films a lot. I go to the theatre often. So often that sometimes I'll forget whose company I was in when I saw it. Jackie is one of the few people I remember just about every film we went together to see. The aforementioned Zoolander, The Hours, Anchorman, Chicago, John Q, and that's just off the top of my head. I think these stick out in my mind so much because I cherish every second I get to spend with my dear friend. 

We have both since moved to different cities, with myself in Calgary and her in Toronto. But we never lose touch. Even if it's a simple hello, or a card in the mail, or a phone call when I'm feeling really down, Jackie has always been there for me. I will get abnormally excited when she comes to visit, and darnit I really hope to get a better flow of income so I can start visiting her more often out east as well. I know we will remain friends forever, and I know that I can always count on her to be there for me. 

I love you Jackie. Thank you for getting me through Jr. High and High School. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for your amazing friendship. Thank you for your endless optimism and enthusiasm. Thank you for dance parties. Thank you for Buffy marathons. Thank you for road trips. Thank you for never judging me. Thank you for being such an amazing, strong and beautiful person. 

Introduction

Last night, I had to say goodbye to a friend.

This was not the first time I've had to do this. I have had friends pass away for various reasons. Family members as well. As far as I'm concerned there is only one constant in life, and that's death (sorry, Benjamin Franklin, but kids don't pay taxes). Having to say goodbye to anybody in your life, no matter how close you were, will never be easy. For me, this was the second time a friend of mine had taken their own life, and both times it hit me as a huge shock followed by some of the most profound sadness I've ever felt.

I blogged about my friend Sarah here, over a year ago, and I recall one of the biggest emotions I felt while writing that piece was regret. Regret that I never got to tell Sarah about many of the feelings of love and respect I had for her. So when I heard about my friend Adam taking his life last week, I had similar feelings. I couldn't help being upset at myself for not telling him how much I love him, and how I look up to him, and respect him, and strive to be half the man he is, before it was too late. The memorial service for Adam was filled with so many conflicting feelings but the one constant throughout was that of love. Love for Adam and all the missed opportunities I had to get to know him better, to hang out with him and watch Home Movies (not actual home movies, I mean the TV show), to jam with him, to laugh with him. Love for his family and close friends who were grieving and celebrating his life. Love for myself, something I've struggled with for most of my life. Love for my own family and friends that hugged me or gave me words of kindness during this difficult time.

This week was hard for me, and I know it was equally or more hard for many of my close friends. I began to think about this regret I felt, and made a decision to never feel that regret again. I am not going to shy away from my love for my friends and family. I'm not going to hold back when it comes to expressing how I feel. And I don't want to wait for another friend to leave me before I am sure to tell them exactly how much I care for them.

So I decided to start this blog. Blogs are generally made to reach a wide audience, but this will be different. It will remain public, to encourage others to join in on sharing love for others. But each post will be aimed at one person. One individual that I feel I need to express my love for. One friend.

Everybody deserves to be happy, and know that they are loved. No matter what, you are NEVER alone. And I want everyone I love to know that no matter what, I'm always here for you. I love you.